This is a minor post about musings if you will, about critiquing current business practices and how much we as employees and as consumers put up with. Because when you look at the basics of it, the basics of a both relationships is almost identical.
A corporation pays an employee for goods and/or services.
A customer pays a corporation for goods and/or services.
You'd think with those two descriptions, the relationships would be treated almost identically, but this is far from the case as we all know. As such, I'm going to throw out some role reversals, switching corporation for customer and employee for corporation, and vice versa, so we can get a feel for how ridiculous things actually are...
Cell phone contracts
Hello, boss... before you employ me, you'll have to sign this contract. This contract guarantees that you'll hire me for a whole 2 years. In the event that you decide to fire me, you will have to pay three months worth of wages by default
Employment non-compete clause
Hello. Oh, my gosh that is a cute purse. I so want it, it'd go so well with my shoes, and help me catch the attention of that director so I can get that acting job. Oh, but you might sell other pairs of those shoes to other girls who will be trying out. As such, I'm going to need you to sign this non-compete clause for me to buy it. It's not a big deal, just says you can't sell purses to any other girls that come in here. Don't worry, you can still sell those purses to boys. Oh, after I get the part, for two years after you won't be able to sell purses to girls either.
Software License Terminatibility clause
Hello boss... great day, isn't it? You know that front desk that me and the other construction workers are building in the front office? Yea... just so you know, you have to follow the rules we've laid out for you to use it. In the event that you break any of the rules, we can take the desk back. Don't worry, it won't likely happen, you'll obey the rules, right?
Externally created Intellectual Property Employment Clause
Yes, I'm paying for the new XBOX Live! Well, just so you, Microsoft, as part of me paying you, I'm going to need for you to agree to an IP agreement. Oh, don't worry, it just means that while you're providing me service, any IP you create is counted as available to me as well. Now, anything you make BEFORE now is exempt, and anytime AFTER I give up my live subscription is exempt as well. See? Aren't I nice? Oh, it won't get exercised much, don't worry. It's just a little safety thing, you know, to prevent risk of me accidentally infringing on any patents you fail to inform me of. Oh, by the way, when are you planning on making another version of windows or a new phone...?
Release from Liability license clause
Dear ExxonMobil... upon employment, you agree to hold me free from any legal liability available to release me from in the state where I work for you. You agree not to sue, and in the event you are not pleased with the work I do for you, you agree to use a mediator of my choosing. (Two weeks later after an exploded gas station) Hello ExxonMobil, I would like you to meet my mediator, this is Chelsey, and she's a volunteer with Greenpeace...
Lobbying to keep down minimum wage
Hello BP. Nice day we're having, isn't it? What's that? Gas is still 89 cents a gallon? That's so nice and good for the economy. Oh, you want to charge more? That's so sad, but we lobbied congress, and sorry, we're not raising the gas prices. That doesn't pay the costs to manufacture it and get it over here? What, you want pay your corporation can survive on? You're so greedy. You're not American enough. You're just not motivated enough, you're so lazy. Maybe we should lobby to cut oil subsidies, would that motivate you to make more money? Your company could survive then, couldn't it?
This is a novelty
Hello boss. My work is not to be taken seriously. You employ me at your own risk. Do not expect me to do any actual work, my work is for joke purposes only.
Have you ever been convicted of a crime
Hello Disney. Yes, yes, you want me to buy your movies. Huh... apparently there's negligence on your record... oh my... you inadvertently killed someone? Multiple times in your theme parks? Accident... right....
Well, I wish you luck trying to get people to watch your movies, but sorry, we can't take the risk of letting you influence our children. You understand, right? Who knows if your movie will "inadvertently" kill them "through negligence" too?
Do not Reverse Engineer / Warrenty voided if opened
Hello, Sir? Yes, yes, you know that program I wrote for you a few years back? Yes, the one that your company relies on? Yea, even though I've moved on to other things, don't try to modify it. It doesn't match your current inventory? So sad, but you can't open it or modify it. You'll get in trouble if you do. You'll just have to buy something new from scratch.
We'll need your credit history
Yes, yes, Wal-Mart, I'm sure you think your prices are low. But I'm going to need your full credit history before I can shop here. Yes, I know what you pay your employees is a closely guarded secret, don't worry, I won't tell anyone anything. You know, just to know if you're responsible and to get an idea of how you're managing your finances. It's really important to know if I should buy that toenail clipper from you afterall.
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