School teaches lots of subjects you need for life.
Mathmatics, Arts, Phys. Ed, History, etc.
However, there are also topics that aren't taught that people desperately need, and that's how to find and maintain romantic relationships. For a number of people, going through life flailing and failing until they stumble on love strikes them as "good enough." But, as is often said, "Nerds do it better." So this article is going to delve into the nitty gritty of finding love in life. As a geek/nerd who has found love, I would like to share the lessons I've learned with the world.
First off, we're going to break a number of preconceptions of the "don't"s before we get into the "do"s.
DON'TS
1. The traditional methods of finding love don't work, so don't use them.40% - 50% of marriages end in divorce in the U.S.[1] This means that half of the time that after going through everyone they could date, meeting everyone, picking and choosing, after they finally think they've found "the one" they're completely and utterly wrong. With so many people looking for love and putting so much time, effort, and money into it and coming out horribly wrong bespeaks of lousy methods. Any scientist with only 50% success rate on his hypothesis after all tests are run would declare the hypothesis a horrible failure. After all the work, it's literally a coin flip. And that's not good enough, so don't accept it. Further, half of our dating/romance culture is based off of lies told to us by people who want to sell movies. Real life love doesn't work how it does in the movies. The movies, the stories, and all the rest are pretty much lies made to sell stuff. It's how people wish love worked.
2. Dating doesn't work
Seriously, it doesn't. Dating doesn't work. Sure there's successes, but failures outnumber the successes. Dating (especially when you tack on the word dating) makes an artificial atmosphere with artificial expectations. It's not "normal behavior" on a date, but if you're trying to build a relationship to find if the person matches with you, both of you acting how you normally don't act doesn't help either of you. Now, if going out and watching movies and eating out at fancy restaurants and such is what you normally do when you're alone or with a group of friends, that's a different matter. But don't go out of your way doing things you don't normally do. It hurts both parties.
3. Don't turn down friends when you're looking
So, a friend may have asked you out. You're tempted to turn them down because they're a friend and you "don't want to hurt the relationship." Stop right there. That is a horrible reason to turn down a date. Why, you may ask? Two reasons.
a. You obviously like being around them enough for them to be your friend, this is two-thirds of a successful romance relationship right there (one third their personality and one third their social interaction with you, the remaining third being interest in their body).
b. Turning down a friend who is asking you out will hurt your relationship more than saying yes. Give them at least a couple dates to see if sparks fly. If sparks don't fly, point it out to them, and at least both parties will known any relationship with each-other is a dead end rather than being left with an awkward tension for the entirety of the friendship. It's easier to look at eachother and laugh and say, "Yea, we tried it, not going to work" a week later than spending the next two years constantly drifting apart because neither actually knows for sure, and causing resentment for not even giving a chance.
Also note, some may think this is advice for just girls who "friendzone" guys, but no. It's both ways. Many girls who are "one of the guys" have tried to get their guy friends to go out with them, but guys turn them down because it'd "be like dating one of the guys" or "it'd be like dating a sister." That's B.S. and anyone turning down a friend purely because they're a friend is a bad friend.
4. Don't ask them out just because they're hot
You've heard the phrase, "beauty is only skin deep." Well, it's true on multiple levels. How they look IS important. How they look will affect how much you're drawn to them physically, and sexual attraction is important for a healthy romantic relationship. That said though, it's not the only trait that they have. No matter who you get into a relationship with, their appearance will not improve in the long run. Pretty much everyone is going to end up a wrinkly old prune someday, and you probably want to get together with someone you'll be happy with even then; that means looking past the skin.
5. Don't try to fill the hole in your life or find the person who completes you
Seriously, this is a mistake a lot of people make. If you have a feeling that something in your life is missing, that something isn't quite right, that you have a longing in your chest. Don't look for love. You're not ready for it. Despite all the B.S. that Hollywood throws your way, that feeling of longing and need and emptiness isn't due to a lack of love in your life. It's because of depression or a lack of fulfillment in your life. Sex and romance will give you a short boost due to the associated endorphin rush, but like many drugs, it's a high that quickly goes away. If you have this feeling, love won't fix it in the long run. You need to address this problem in your life first before you look for love. Because any person who looks at you will quickly find you're a downer and they won't want to be around you. See a counselor/psychiatrist/mental health doctor/etc. and see if you're suffering from depression and/or start making changes in your life to get you closer to being the kind of person you want to be.
DO'S
Step 1. Make a listLike shopping at a grocery store, the world is full of people who are different options for romance. And, again, like grocery shopping, if you go into the store hungry, you're going to buy a lot of foods you don't need and walk out with something besides what you wanted.
So, make a list of everything you're looking for in a person. Include everything you can think of. Hair color, gender, looks, number (who knows, maybe you'd be happier dating a couple instead of a single person?), hobbies, skills, ambitions, willingness/unlikeliness to move, religion (or lack thereof), philosophical viewpoints, prudishness/sexual-creativity, etc. Now, it's important to know it's very unlikely you'll find someone who matches the entire list. Seriously, other people aren't made to order. So the second part of this step is just as important as making the list...
Prioritize the list.
When you've gotten down everything that you're looking for, list them from most to least important. Thing is, you're unlikely to get the whole list with pretty much anyone you meet, so you have to know what you're willing to sacrifice to get something more important to you. If you get 8 out of the top ten on your list, you're doing quite well for yourself, and you may have just found the person you're looking for.
Step 2. Research the archetype you're looking for.
Say the top of your list is you're looking for someone blonde. Look at demographics and find out where the highest density of people of Northern European descent live nearest you. If you're looking for geek girls, find out about conventions that they might attend. If you're looking for someone who looks good in swimwear, find good beaches or pools nearby. If you're looking for someone who can cook, flirt with people at food compititions. Find out where the people on your list are most likely to be.
Step 3. Research the type of person your archetype would be interested in.
Blogs are great for this. If you're looking for a cook, find the blog of a cook and read about their personal life and tweets. Pay attention to their romantic encounters. Do it for a lot of cooks. Find out what they like, what they dislike as a group.
Step 4. Change yourself.
You've likely heard the saying "Don't change for anybody." This is a lie. We change for people all the time. Just as you wouldn't treat a five year old stranger the same as you would a cop pulling you over for speeding, the person we are is constantly in a state of flux and change based on who we're around. Now, there are some parts of you that you might say, "This is me," that they're core values to who you are and you would never change them. That's fine, don't change those. On the flip side, learning a new hobby that you might enjoy, losing some weight, changing up some of your clothing choices, developing a taste for some exotic foods you haven't tried before, or learning an instrument is a different matter entirely. Once you've found out what the typical person of your ideal type may like or dislike, change the parts of yourself that don't matter to you. Move yourself closer to that someone your ideal type of person could fall in love with. Further, try to improve yourself overall. Not only is self improvement good for you, it makes almost anyone significantly more attractive.
Step 5. Be the right person in the right place
Knowing what the potential person you're looking for is looking for, and being in the place they'd be is a key to getting someone. Once there, make yourself stand out. Put your shoulders back, stick out your chest, don't hang around the edges but stand in the center, etc. Don't get pushy on people, but be receptive to those who approach you. Don't just look for people to be romantic with, find friends while you're at it. If nothing else, you'll be able to network with people like them. Keep it up, and you'll meet all kinds of people, network, and make all kinds of friends in addition to finding the person for you.
Step 6. Be active in changing others
A well known truth is that people change. A big hint though, is that people change largely based on the other people they hang out with. Look through your list. See which things are easy to change in someone. Appearance and body are easiest to change, with hobbies being a bit more difficult, and core personality traits being even harder. If one of the tops on your list is that the person you're wanting to be in a relationship with is skinny or in good shape with a tight butt, keep in mind that losing ten pounds a month is quite reasonable, and so a hundred and twenty pounds in a year is fairly easy. If you're willing to be patient, someone who matches a good portion of the top of your list can relatively quickly match the rest. Now, I'm not saying force this one someone, but be willing to give them a chance and work with them. Further, you have to be willing to go through the work with them to get them to that point. Given a year, a "fat slob with a nice personality", if you constantly get them to come with you for walks, cook them healthy (and slimming) food, take them out dancing, and go out for other physical activities, will become a trim babe/hunk with a nice personality who is used to you being in their life (granted, in this scenario, people will be more likely to flirt with them as you progress, but the scales are tipped in your favor, already being in a relationship with them.)
Addendum: Although the next step should make it clear, I should emphasize at this step, this is not about being sneaky. Be honest with them that there are things you think could be better about them and that you're willing to help them get better. Similarly, you'll want to balance it out by asking them what you could get better at, and both sets of improvement could become bonding time for both of you. For example, you may like them to be thinner so you go on regular walks with them, and they may want someone with red hair so you have a monthly trip to the salon that you go together to get your hair dyed.
Step 6. Be honest with them.
Seriously, I can't overstate how important this is. Any bit of dishonesty will compound over time. Tell them you love their cooking when it's only so-so? You're going to deal with it a loooong time. Tell them a dress is hot when it makes them look like a horse? You're going to have to deal with them trying to turn you on with it. Every time you tell them the truth or lie to them, you're either helping them learn about your or get it wrong respectively. Each lie is a chance to be found out and later be blamed of betrayal. It's just not worth it. Now, granted, there's a difference between honesty and rudeness. Telling someone "Those shorts make your butt look like a walrus giving birth" vs "Maybe you should try a different pair of shorts instead" both get the message across but one has more care for their feelings (although some will like the humor that comes with the former, learn how they respond.) That includes being honest if they ask why you developed the hobbies they found interesting about you. If you built them up just for them to find interesting, let them know (although wording is important. Saying "I did it to catch the eye of a geek" won't go well. Saying, "I did it because I knew someday someone like you would appreciate it" is a winner. People do things for mixed reasons often, and in romance, it's almost always just as much about them as it is about you. Share that.
Step 7. Have built in contingencyTalk this out with your romantic partner ahead of time. Early on in the relationship once you reach a point of being "a thing." Tell them what you expect of them, find out what they expect of you. About how committed you should each be, if it's an open dating relationship or closed, etc. At this step, having been honest previously really helps, because with you having that history of honesty with them, they'll likely be honest with you at this step. Further, assume ahead of time that the relationship won't be perfect. People make mistakes, and they'll break your heart sometimes and vice-versa. Talk ahead of time, while you have cool heads, about what to do when that happens. If they cheat on you (or vice-versa) maybe instead of instant break-up, maybe they just get cut off from sex for a month so you can have two tests for STDs (one beginning to catch some types, and one after a month to see if any that take awhile to develop crop up.) Setting clear ideas about expected behavior, but also including a straightforward and simple solution that can be agreed on when that behavior is failed will do much better for your relationship than just blind expectation.
[1] Divorce Rates
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divorce_in_the_United_States#Rates_of_divorce
[[Warning: Article includes anecdotal evidence and advice. Further, it is based on a western world perspective with a white male bias. Information may not be fully applicable to other demographics]]
